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|Monday, November 30th, 2037|
Everybody! I need a house, everyone here is leaving. If anyone has a room let me know. I've also noticed that just about every second person is looking for a place at the moment, oh well. pick me. ive got a job now.
dont you hate when you see some hot girl and you say to your friend wow check that girl out, and then you get closer and shes like 11 years old. you spend the rest of day telling yourself its ok, you didnt know, your not a bad guy.
The first week after you lose your job its kind of cool. you hang out, get drunk be happy. You vaguely look for a new job but its one of those super jobs like being a model, actor or working in a video game store.
the second week your spirits are still high although you have quite a large debt to pay off after attempting to become a drug dealer in your first week off. you discover the old, one for you one for me thing was never meant to be applied to selling extacy. That being said your still pretty happy because you had a good time and you still have a bit of money left. at this stage you go for good jobs like working in a travel agent, a record store or a bong shop.
Week three hits hard. the record store and the travel agent never called back and the modelling agency have no fucking idea who you are. That jar that you always keep change in on your desk is thinning out so fast. You start finding yourself leaving the house in clothes that have big enough pockets to steal a block of cheese rather than clothes to look for a job. At this stage office works, dan murphy's and coles look like great career opportunities.
Week four. I know where every camera blind spot is at coles. I know when bakeries throw out their old stock. i collect shop a dockets. telemarketing, hungry jacks.
|our flatmates is punky
" We aslo went to see a hardcore punk rock band called demented are go and they were really cool!! Everyone in the place looked scary with all their piercings, mowhawks and tattoos! our probably wondering why i went, its because one of our flatmates is punky. "
this is an exert from my best friend chewy ung's email to me from london. i fucking love this guy. Three months ago he was living with parents and working at bi lo in valley view (bogan adelaide suburb where we grew up) and now hes been all through europe just cos his girlfriend wanted to go.
hows his 'punky' call, thats the coolest shit ever. 'they were really cool!!' agh, ha ha ha, i really miss that guy.
i need a job!
|Monday, November 23rd, 2037|
i was drunk at the duke the other night and some guy turned to my friend jimmy and said 'hey, fuck you jimmy' i got out of my seat and took a big swing at this guy but kinda fell over drunk mid punch attempt. then my boss came over and picked me up and i was like 'dont hold me back motherfucker!' but by that time everyone forgot what they were fighting about in the first place because they were too busy laughing at me falling over.
i guess thats ok
Airbourne are the funnest band i've ever seen.
i think im a bogan
|Saturday, November 21st, 2037|
I've been doing that jelquing thing all the time but everytime i try it just ends up as masturbating. i haven't successfully completed one session.
ive got that thing on vodafone where i get $249 worth of credit up until the end of the month. last night i had to spend $100 of credit before it expired. i rang chewy in london and that was fun. then i rang a sex line while i was working and put it on speaker fone. it was ok.
mine and scotty's band is nearly ready to play, thats exciting.
my t shirts were on tv and in the age the other day. i drew a picture of a moose in a tuxido and a hot white hair girl holding hands on a t shirt and now its on television.
the other day i dressed up as a gimp and went to a girls house on a jet pack and then had sex with her with a giant double ended purple dildo. (on gta san andreas.. )
A guy at ding dong yelled at me in the toilets because i said i would get stage fright if i had to pee in the urinal. everyone else thought it was hilarious. you know, sometimes i just cant pee, in those times i have to go to the toilet. some guys think your a big poofter if you do that. i cant help it, shit, i dont mean to offend anyone its not like im pissing on their leg or something. im not scared about them looking at my dick or anything, its just the pressure. pissing used to come naturally, now i really have to think about it.
it all started a couple of years ago when me and two friends had some extacy and at some stage during the night just couldnt pee. we couldntg pee for like 8 hours. we needed to go, it just wasnt coming. since then i need to think when i pee. and i cant think while these football playing boneheads at ding dong are looking at my cock waiting to kick me if i cant get a dribble!
|Friday, November 20th, 2037|
mondasy in may?
what the fuck is up with those dudes who continue using the computer when its your turn at the librarary. i know you can see what time it is, boy!
hey have you heard of jelquing? i read about it in cleo magazine the other night, the title said what boys know about but wont tell you. well i didnt know about it.
its something like pilates for your penis. you stroke it in a ceratin manner with your penis at about half mast (i tried it yesterday and ended up masturbating) and do it for ten minutes a day. im trying it again today and im determined not to cum.
over a period of time your penis should grow larger and stay harder while fucking. now, i have the idea that if i take a before photo of my penis now and take an after photo in four months i could sell those pictures to a jelquing studio (or wherever the fuck they do it) then i'd have heaps of money and a huge cock that goes like a mad dog.
if any of you bitches steal my idea i'll beat you death with my devil rod.
im actually jelquing right now over the top of my pants here in the library, if i get caught i'll be in so much trouble!
17 0f may
big news the duke is closing , uggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhh, heavens to betsy where will all the fucked up old men drink? where will drunk ugly people meet and pash, where will i buy drugs? where will all the shit bands play, oh shit where will i get a job?
i cant work for shit, im only there for comic releif. im contantly stealing jager and money from tips to buy cigerettes and i always get caught. the just dont fire me because they feel sorry for me, oh go i cant even steal good.
and what about barry the guy that looks like hes been dead for five years (showed me his kafita bag the other day) where will he go? ding dong? i dont think so.
and that old lady that looks like mum who comes in every night to look for change on the floor. one time i threw twenty cents and watched her chase it, where can you do that? my heart is burning
anyway.... i found a phone in adelaide and there was a text msg on it from victoria mob saying i want to make love to you in front of the mirror again so i can watch you thrusting and coming into me
god bless you victoria mob, you seem to make it all worthwhile
20th of april
i just spent about a half an hour sorting out my time values because this stupid computer is a stupid big fat vagina mash with gravy on top. stupid!
I had an intensive assistance interview today. im doing a three week job search training course starting next week. isn't that great? aren't you all so jealous? i love my job search training, oh yes i do. when i wake up in the morning i ask mummy 'is it time for job search training mummy, im so looking forward to it'
'soon, honey bunny' she always says and i go back to my diary and tick of another day until job search training starts.
one day job search training will help me become a fireman or a doctor (ooooh) or maybe a spastically retarded madman who kills jobsearch staff with a nail file while they sleep. wouldn't that be nice?
ummm, its garths birthday today. happy birthday you big poofter! ha ha ha ha ha ha
everbody should eat perinaise sauce, oh god, oh! you eat it with chippys or toast. i had it today with toast and lettuce, ooooh god, oh!
|Saturday, November 14th, 2037|
I just saw ligaya walk past this internet cafe with her new boyfriend. i dont think im ever going to get used to this shit. ughghghghghgghghghghghhghg shit!
on funnier news - i subscribed to a sex text line the other day. theyve eaten all my credit and now im constantly receiving messages saying i have inssufficent credit to receive this message. i dont know how to turn this shit off. who the fuck wanks to text messages anyway? the bra section in the k mart caqtalogue is free and delevered every week. you can just shoot straight on to the paper and throw it away, i mean, god arethey really trying to sell bras or create perfect masturbation device?
ive got the whole house to myself this week so i walk around naked all the time. God i look funny with no clothes on.
|so on and so forth
Get drunk, take drugs and sleep with girls for four days
feel sick in the body on monday
feel sick in the head on tuesday
feel ok on wednesday
get drunk, take drugs and sleep with girls for four days
today is tuesday, and yes i feel sick in the head. Luckily i live with my therapist (scotty). I get on the crazy couch every tuseday and tell him my problems. It helps me get through tuesday and then...
feel ok on wednesday
|brazillian sex drugs
So that dyslexic dude that i found passed out on a set of stairs in New York just sent me an email. hes in brazil saving the world or something. What a great guy, i found him on a set of stairs in my building in manhatten, picked him up and took him to my room where he woke up with a fucked up hangover. now hes in brazil loving life.
I stole some horny goat weed from the chemist yesterday to see what it does. i saw that it costed 35 dollars and thought "hey that shit must do something cool if it costs that much" . I dont feel all that horny yet, but did notice that girl looking all hot on the computer next to me. Apparently it takes a week to work so i'll let you know how it goes.
Does anyone else have those friends that constantly forward them ridiculous hardcore pictures of stuff like women with mutant tits or crack babies. that usually really pisses me off but i just got this new one of two mice having sex but one of them is caught in a mouse trap.(is it bad to think thats funny?) And then you get those ones of really hot girls that blow up real big on the screen and someone accidently catches a glance of what your looking at and you just look like some filthy fuck who uses the library computer to look at porn. god!
Oh, i found out whose coke it was i found - Mick Molloys OOOOOOOOOOOhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ha ha ha ha ha, oh shit! ha ha
I truly hate mondays. I didnt even get any emails. my phone hasn't rung in two weeks. I got paid half the amount of money i thought i was going to today.
get the violin out.
I met these kids on the weekend who seemed like they were eternally happy and smiley. like they were tree hugging hippies without the anarchist pooy dreadlock smell. I thought one of them was really hot but i just thought how hard it would be to hang around someone who is constantly happy and smiling. I'd feel crappy about all my good jokes because if she wasn't laughing at that she'd be laughing at something else. And thats all i got.
i also got nose hairs. im not so happy about that. my old man used to get massive nose hairs, they were starting to get in the way of his food. he didnt seem to care. and he walked around the house naked too. that really sucked, especially when my friends would see. ha ha ha, i never seen the old guy move so fast, kind of reminded me of a shaved yeti getting caught taking a crap.
My mum and dad spend around 40 hours a week at my old football club. thay know how many hours because dad has to let centrelink know how much time he spends there. You see, centrelink requires retirees to patricipate is some volunteer work so dad registered the club as a volunteer organisation so he can hang out ther and drink beers all the time. mum works in the canteen. I take in three different dole forms for three different people at three different centrelinks and keep a percentage of the payments. This is dermody pride at its finest hour.
did i mention my parents are the craziest people i ver met? my old man bought this brand spanking new couch one year but never sat on, not once. he sat on the floor leaning up against it with his elbow like it was a bar. From there his left foot would rub against the floor that over many years rubbed a hole through the carpet and then leaving a mark on the floor boards. thats no shit, you can go to the house now and there after ten years is a couch in supurb condition with a great gaping hole in the carpet next to it. true story.
they also bought CD player but never once bought a CD. I bought dad a Johnny Cash Cd for christmas one year and he didnt even put it in the player to see how it worked. he just looked at the cover and said 'thanks craig' and went back to his VB can, the Cd never talked of again.
ha ha ha ha (sigh)
|Saturday, November 7th, 2037|
|chips and gravy
monday 22 of november.
let me sart from the start-saturday
finished work at 8 o clock. ive only got two dollars but stewy gives me a pill (long story). We drink and make jokes when hot crazy girl pippa comes in and says shes got a party to go to with free beer. I hook up more drugs for her and she gives me some.
the party is ok and i meet this real cool guy called luke. i throw beer on pippa while she dances on a table. she laughs and then we leave. sing some song i dont know the name of in the taxi.
go to lounge. pippa's hot.
we go to pony at about 6am and i find just over a thousand dollars worth of cocaine on a couch. (yeah, no fucking shit. i guess i shouldn't really be writing about that on the internet so if your reading this can you remember not to tell anyone)
pony shuts and we go to orange where i rack up lines for me, luke, pippa, joel and some guy who accidently walked into the room we were in to get some tomatos.
Lukes wife and kids rock up and we go back to their house where we dress up in crazy clothes and dance all day long.
best day ever
oh yeah, i made carbonara the other day. it was so good, i wasn't sure how to make it so i was so happy.
|Friday, November 6th, 2037|
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHh! i just deleted my last embarresing sad message, only to replace it with another one.
shit, shit, shit. and i dont know why.
you know what it is? its my shoes. i ve got big holes in my shoes and i've been doing this really annoying thing with my big toe. it kind of rubs against the remaining peice of fabric between all the holes in the same fashion that someone would gring there teeth or continually lick their chapped lips.
to add to this its been raining constantly for the last two days. And im not talking about a drizzle, its a topic on the news, trees are falling, farmers are celebrating. All it means for me is that my feet get completely drenched through all the holes in my velcro dunlops.
I need boots. i hear they can be hot these days.
Having just spent four hundred out my five hundred dollars rent money i see no reason to try and save whatever small change i have left. im fucked, its not a degree of fuckness. its black or white, so im not going to attempt to hold onto any dellusions of not being fucked. i cant pay the rent so im going to go and buy boots.
I'd go down to chapel street to that guy who makes them himself but then i would have to go past the duke and i accidently took home some keys for the duke the other day. that means i have to go home first. but when will i go swimming? after that, after...
beer (din dong/161)
|Thursday, November 5th, 2037|
|huts and the beach and opium
Just came back from sihanookville, this tourist beach in cambodia. it wasn't so cool.
Firstly i had no cash, so i had to find a place to stay and eventually sorted something with a cambodian family and their little hut on the beach for free. that was ok.
Then i was with icky and sharny who were bickereing all the time. Icky is doctor surly bob once he gets that one too many beer thing happening. One night he said i was giving him shit about something or other and went home and sooked about it for two hours, when i got back he was still upset at me but he couldnt remember what i said, he just knew he was upset.
back to the beach, some cop was spying on me and i didnt know, he said i was taliking about opium and weed. Then he told the people at the guesthouse nearby i was a drug dealer and everyone should watch out for me, god! sketchy fucking shit, always me!
|Tuesday, November 3rd, 2037|
god! this computer keeps on fucking up whenever i get to the end of a long message, this time im keeping it short.
i stood in front of 100 cambodian children with a megaphone and imitated a kangaroo. I thought they were going to die from laughing so hard.
I went to a halloween party dressed as a mummy crossed with ming the merciless crossed with a witch. i was the only one dressed up except this hot wonder woman girl who:
gave me a fucked up drug called yama that kept me up for three days, that mornning as the sun came up I:
played basketball with all the khmers and kicked arse even though i was so high, then I:
Came down like a bitch, the hardest come down ever, that yama shit is heavy.
ps, go see that napolean dynamite film 'lu-ckee'
|Friday, October 30th, 2037|
So theres a new king of cambodia, i went and saw his first public address today. he kind of looks like chewy but a bit older. Im sure chewy would make a great king, i could be one his guards and wear really cool boots and stuff. then we'd have these really big parties at the palace with smoke machines and strobe lights. you can come.
Um, i need to contact ruby so if anyone reads this can you hook me up with an address.
im also going to need a house when i get back, oh and a job too.
|Wednesday, October 28th, 2037|
So theres some american guy hanging out in this internet place complaining about how they're not using the latest software on their computers. of course cambodia is the technological hub of the world, it just doesn't make sense.
Dont mind me im just grumpy about random shit. I wouldn't mind going down the duke for a beer. 161 on a thursday night sounds good. Even Ntran and a rasberry lemonade.
Can someone set me up with ruby's email address?
Rock bar would be cool tonight if all my friends didnt go to russia on monday. dumb russia....
|Sunday, October 25th, 2037|
|motorbikes part 2
Im sitting here at the computer and im thinking i kind of need to go take a crap but the only toilet at this internet place is one of those ones that are just like a hole in ground. Now i have no problem with using such a hole if i felt i could coordinate it properly, i mean i think theres a good chance it could go on my leg and what if i slip! Traveling being a time to try new things im going give it try right after this.
Secondly, if anyone at the duke is reading this can you go next store and ask ruby for her email address and then post it on my comments. hope everything is good there i miss it a lot, i wear my duke t-shirt around all the time.
Now back to more exciting things - motorbike crashes! The first day i got the bike i fell off into a huge mud puddle and accidently kept on pulling on the throttle which made mud go everywhere and i burnt my leg.
When i was riding around in some province i hit a pot hole and came off pretty bad. The worst thing is bobbilee shahine was on the back and hurt her arm. She got this really cool scab and i got dirty looks.
The other day when i was going through an intersection i somehow jammed my front wheel under the tyre of a car. I had to rip the front end out and amazingly it was still straight and i just kept on riding. The people in the car are still confused.
Lastly when i was getting my bike out the garage i knocked over another bike which in turn knocked over five more bikes like domino's. I swear Benny Hill couldn't have written something so good. I rode away really fast.